Alright, y’all, buckle up because this is one for the books. It’s a story about listening to your intuition, thinking critically, and learning how to spot a narcissistic ex before they flip your world upside down. Spoiler alert: back when I was 17, I had no idea what a narcissist even was. The internet wasn’t the self-help haven it is now (and TikTok therapists weren’t a thing). Or maybe it was, but let’s be honest, at 17, I wasn’t out here googling personality disorders.
Miami Summer 1997… Meet Cute But Not Really!
So, picture this: I had just graduated high school, and I was in that awkward, “What am I doing with my life?” phase (honestly, I stayed in that phase longer than I care to admit). One hot summer day, I was out walking my little black puppy—adorable but a handful. She slipped right out of her collar and bolted. Naturally, I chased her, but let’s be real, I wasn’t dressed for any impromptu sprints. Just when I thought my dog was about to dart into the street and I’d be calling animal control, a guy appeared out of nowhere and caught her.
He handed her back to me, we chatted for a minute, and I thanked him for saving the day. I saw him a few more times during my walks, and before I knew it, he asked for my number. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but for whatever reason, I gave it to him. Looking back, I should’ve known better than to give my number to a stranger who showed up out of nowhere—hello, red flag #1!
Trust Your Gut: The Red Flags Were There.
Here’s where things started to feel…off. He called me that same day, and while the conversation was pleasant enough, I had that feeling—you know, the ick. Something wasn’t right. At the time, I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly was bothering me. He was saying all the right things, but my gut was telling me to back away.
I thought he was just being sweet, but deep down, something felt off. Later, I’d learn this was love bombing, a tactic to reel you in fast. Something felt off, and honestly, I didn’t even want to talk to him anymore. I even switched up my walking route, hoping to avoid him. Lesson learned: when your gut’s screaming, listen. Those ‘too good to be true’ vibes usually are.
When the Narcissistic Ex Red Flags Start Waving
Fast forward a couple of months… my puppy pulls her stunt again, slips out of her collar, and runs wild. And wouldn’t you know it, there he was again, my knight in shining armor (or rather, a red flag in disguise). This time, he asked why I had stopped answering his calls. I kept it simple and said I wasn’t interested in dating.
Now, here’s the thing about narcissists they don’t take rejection well. What should’ve been the end was just the beginning. He took my disinterest as a challenge. This is where the manipulation started. Small gestures, a flower here, a candy there. It wasn’t overwhelming, but just enough to make me feel guilty for ghosting him. the love bombing was in full effect!. Against my better judgment, I started talking to him again. Ignoring my instincts turned out to be a big mistake, my future narcissistic ex was already showing his true colors.
Red Flag: Love bombing is when someone showers you with attention and affection right from the start. Narcissists tend to do this to hook you quickly.
The Classic Narcissist Ex Move: Love Bombing
For months, he seemed perfect—always there, always sweet. But that’s the thing with narcissists; the ‘charm’ is just a phase. Once they think they’ve got you, the mask slips.
The first real clue came when I saw him treat his mom horribly. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing—this nice, attentive guy was snapping at her like she was nothing. That was the first moment I realized something was seriously wrong. Lack of empathy is a huge red flag. Narcissists treat people who aren’t “useful” to them with zero respect. If they lack compassion for the people closest to them, guess who’s next on that list? You.
Control Is Their Game: How a Narcissistic Ex Tries to Isolate You
As time went on, the little criticisms and digs started coming my way. At first, they were subtle. A comment about my weight (even though I was in the best shape of my life), passive-aggressive remarks if I hung out with friends without him—it all built up. Narcissists need control. They can’t handle the idea of you having a life outside of them.
One of their go-to moves is isolation. They’ll find ways to make you feel guilty for spending time with others, or they’ll twist situations to make you question whether you’ve done something wrong. My gut kept nagging me, but it wasn’t until I started distancing myself that he really escalated. More calls. More manipulation. More guilt-tripping. And the more I resisted, the harder he tried. And I resisted every step of the way.
Breaking Free (Or So I Thought) From a Narcissistic Ex
Breaking free from a narcissistic ex is rarely straightforward; they often escalate once they feel they’re losing control. After a few months, I had enough and broke things off. That should have been the end, right? Wrong. Here’s what I wish I knew back then: narcissists don’t handle rejection well. They don’t just move on… they double down. He began stalking me, showing up at places I’d never mentioned to him. My phone would ring constantly with calls from unknown numbers, and I’d see his car driving slowly past my house late at night. It was annoying beyond belief. This “nice guy” had turned into a nightmare, and I felt constantly on edge, like I was being watched and controlled (and if you know me you know I can not stand that!). My sense of safety was completely shattered.
But that’s a whole other story, and I’ll save the stalking chapter for another post.
What’s important here is this: if I had trusted my gut from the start, I could’ve avoided this entire mess. Narcissists are masters at manipulation, and once you’re in their web, it’s hard to see clearly. But if something feels wrong early on, don’t ignore it.
What I Wish I Knew: Red Flags to Watch For
So here’s what I’ve learned, and what I hope you’ll take away if you’re ever in a similar situation:
- Love bombing: If someone is coming on way too strong, way too fast, there’s a reason for it. Beware of excessive attention, gifts, or compliments early on.
- Lack of empathy: Pay attention to how they treat people who aren’t “useful” to them, like waitstaff, family, or anyone they don’t see as equals.
- Isolation tactics: If they start pulling you away from friends and family, making you feel guilty for having a life outside of them—huge red flag.
- Control and manipulation: Narcissists love to twist situations to make you feel like the bad guy. Whether it’s gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or passive-aggressive digs, it’s all about control.
- Entitlement: They feel they deserve special treatment and will flip the script to make you feel like they’re the victim when things don’t go their way.
Looking back, I realize I wasted time questioning myself and wondering if I had done something to provoke his behavior. But that’s what narcissists do – they manipulate you into doubting your own reality. Remember, their actions are their responsibility, not yours.
Had I known these things at 17, I would’ve dodged that bullet. But now that I do, I hope it helps someone else out there spot the signs and trust their gut before things escalate. And trust me, when you see those red flags, run—don’t wait for part two of your own nightmare. You deserve to be safe and respected. Never doubt your instincts, and remember that you have the strength to walk away from any situation that feels wrong.
Looking back, I learned more than I could’ve imagined from this. If I’d trusted my gut, maybe I’d have skipped this whole nightmare, but honestly? The experience taught me more about boundaries and self-respect than anything else. If you’re going through something similar, just know you’re not alone. Trust your gut, and don’t be afraid to walk away. It might be hard, but you’re stronger than you think.
Need Help?
If you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse, you’re not alone. Here are some resources that can help:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-7233
- The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): https://www.nami.org/ or 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
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