The Dark Side of Divorce: Exploring the Reality of Parental Alienation
I’ve noticed the term “Parental Alienation” popping up frequently on my Instagram feed lately, and it made me realize how many people are actually affected by this issue. Regrettably, I have some second-hand “chisme,” or gossip, about this matter. It’s what happens when you’re dealing with a toxic ex who is immature and constantly finds ways to interfere with the relationship between a child and their other parent.
They devise every excuse in the book, like, “You can’t take them because we’re in the middle of potty training.” Can you believe that? As if potty training is more important than a child’s need for both parents in their life. The toxic parent never considers how their actions impact their children. To them, control is paramount.
Let me share our story, of parental alienation.
Remember when I mentioned that starting a relationship with my now-husband brought unexpected challenges? When he and I started a relationship, were separated for a few months. She seemed to be living her “best life,” but apparently, he wasn’t supposed to do the same. For reasons still unclear, she prevented him from seeing their child for about three or four months. Coincidently, it was also around the time that she found out he was in a new relationship.
Every time he asked to see their child, the answer was always “no.” “No, we’re going out of town.” “No, we have plans”. “No, you’re disrupting the potty training” (cue eye roll). But I remember one day, he received an unexpected text message from her, asking if he wanted to see their child for the weekend. Unfortunately, due to a last-minute call and him having work commitments, he couldn’t. We suspected she had a weekend trip planned and needed a babysitter.
Here’s an unpopular opinion: ladies, your child’s father is not your babysitter. If you deny them access to their children, you can’t expect them to drop everything when your babysitter cancels, and no family members can step in.
This challenging situation lasted for months. I suggested that we hire a family law attorney, but before we could, he received his divorce papers. The kicker? She demanded sole decision-making rights and full custody. Every box on the parental plan was checked “mother.” EVERY SINGLE BOX! Now, I would like to point something out: his ex went out of her way to paint the picture that he is the one who chose not to be a part of Their child’s life. The paperwork filed in court told a different story.
You might think maybe my husband was a terrible person, and she was protecting her child. But that’s not the case. He’s a wonderful father and husband, qualities she once acknowledged before their separation. Her actions were utterly spiteful, and I, for one, never understood her behavior. She decided to end the relationship yet acted as if she was the offended one.
In essence, it was as if she was saying, “How dare you move on with your life? How dare you be happy instead of miserable like I wanted you to be?” That’s my assumption based on her actions and many other things that happened, which I can’t fit into one blog post. Otherwise, I’d be typing for days, and then we might run out of topics to discuss.
Have you experienced parental alienation?
If you haven’t, consider yourself lucky. I watched my husband feel defeated and depressed every day. He couldn’t see his child. It was genuinely heartbreaking. If you knew them, you’d know they are incredibly close. I’m sure the separation was as hard for the child as it was for my husband.
Here is the thing: when one parent alienates the other for no reason other than they can. They think they are hurting that person. They do it out of anger and pettiness. And does it hurt them? Of course, it does. Every good parent wants to be with their child. But the real damage is being done to the children who are placed in the middle of such a cruel situation.
Many people aren’t aware that parental alienation can lead to numerous problems in children. These issues may appear as developmental delays, difficulties in forming secure attachments, or increased levels of distress. It’s crucial to remember that early childhood is a pivotal time for brain development. Extended exposure to stress during this period can have enduring effects. Just because children are young and the impacts may not be immediately visible doesn’t mean these issues can’t occur or have long-term consequences.
One thing I’ve never understood is how a mother, knowing the bond the father shares with their child, could intentionally keep the father away. How can they claim to be acting in the child’s best interests? This question continues to perplex me to this day.
Parental Alienation: Let’s Talk About the Toxicity of It all.
If you’ve ever dealt with a toxic individual or a narcissist, you’ll know that they can twist any narrative to paint themselves as the victim. In this case, the situation escalated from the mother preventing the father from seeing their child for months on end he was labeled as a deadbeat dad who didn’t want to see his son. The narrative circulated was that he did nothing for his son.
It seems we have different definitions of what constitutes a deadbeat dad. I’ve never known a deadbeat dad to consistently make child support payments, even after their child has been taken away from them. I’ve never seen a deadbeat dad deliver necessary supplies directly to the mother’s door when they were needed. I’ve never seen a deadbeat dad work tirelessly to secure minimal visitation rights with their child.
This type of toxic behavior left us feeling like we constantly had to be on the defensive or felt compelled to share our side of the story. This mentality is exhausting and, in reality, pointless. Why should we concern ourselves with the opinions of people we don’t even know? The short answer is: We shouldn’t! What others think is none of our business. Our focus should always be on ensuring that our kiddo feels happy and secure in our home. This shift in mindset came months, maybe even years later.
The Journey Through Co-Parenting Challenges and Establishing Boundaries
Well, besties, let me share with you how we dealt with the challenging situation that was thrust upon us. The first thing we did was hire a family law attorney. This lawyer was essential in helping us lay out a preliminary visitation schedule until the actual court date. It might seem like a significant relief, but hold that thought. Despite agreeing to the temporary order and having a proposed court order in place, a message was received on the day my then-boyfriend was to do pickup that she would not be there with their child and proceeded to send him the schedule that she would be allowing yes that says allowing him to see their child. In essence, she once again denied his visitations. Her excuse? The order hadn’t been signed by the judge yet. She wanted things to go her way, as always.
Here’s the thing: when dealing with a toxic person, it’s tough to establish clear boundaries because, for a narcissist, only their boundaries matter. This toxic behavior continued and predictably spiraled into more drama. Now that the lawyers were involved and she was clearly violating the proposed order, which then led to us letting her know we would take legal action if the situation were not rectified, things became tense for everyone. In the end, she had to adhere to the order until an official visitation schedule was established.
Another hurdle in situations like these is striving to be the bigger person. Emotions are running high, and the sense of injustice is overwhelming. Maintaining composure is often a daunting task. Your first instinct is to lash out and engage in petty back and forth and, of course, defend your views. Remember, this was in the beginning; we’ve grown a lot since then. Time and substantial inner work have taught us so much!
If you’ve read my last blog post, you’d know (and if you haven’t, it’s okay, check it out later here) that my hubby didn’t verbally communicate with her for five years. Here’s why: during one exchange, she was being her usual self, and they had a heated conversation. It wasn’t out of hand or threatening in any way, shape, or form. However, that’s not what she told her lawyer. Always remember, a narcissist is ALWAYS the victim, never the instigator or aggressor. From that moment forward, he communicated with her only through text messages, emails, and eventually the Family Wizard. He set that boundary early on and said that he would not have any verbal communication with her.
In our experience, the best way to deal with people like this is to set boundaries. The first step is figuring out what is the best form of communication. You want to communicate in the most generic way possible, speak only about the facts. When the conversation is steered in another direction, that will lead to a toxic back and forth, either cutting the communication together or continuing the only facts path. This one is hard. They will say things and lead the conversations in ways that make you want to engage. Don’t (unless you are throwing a petty party, I really should do a post about this) because you will waste your time. That conversation is going nowhere fast. Will you have shit to gossip with your friends about? Yes, is it worth the initial aggravation? Probably not.
Here are my tried-and-true Co-parenting tips for those with toxic exes.
I have a few parenting tips I would like to share. I am not a therapist or a doctor. Something that worked for us and might be helpful to you.
- Start by setting and maintaining clear boundaries. It will help manage your interactions and prevent unnecessary conflicts.
- Try to limit communication to a bare minimum. When you do need to communicate, do it in writing. It can help prevent misunderstandings and create a record of your interactions.
- Show empathy towards your children. They might be struggling with the situation, too. Listen to their feelings and emotions.
- Make sure to establish a legal parenting plan. This provides structure and clear guidelines that both you and the other parent can follow.
- Minimize contact where possible. Narcissists often thrive on drama. By communicating strictly via written email and only replying when necessary, you can help reduce this.
- Communicate as if it’s going will be read in court. This is one tip that I hope everyone follows. The reality is that one day, it might be.
- No answer is also an answer, but if you must answer, a simple OK is a perfectly good answer.
- Document everything. You never know when you might need to return to it, especially if you are going to court.
- Never vent your frustrations in front of your kids. What happens between the adults should stay there.
- Try to find empathy or some understanding for the other parent. Even for the narcissist its not for them. It is for you.
My Adventure as a Mom, Bonus Mom, Wife: Co-Parenting and Self-Care Journey
I will leave you with this, it took me many years of inner work to realize that trying to help someone have a successful co-parenting relationship with someone who is hell-bent on it not being successful is a waste of my time. I was placed in a difficult situation, and I took it for myself. So, as my role of mom/bonus mom and wife in this kind of situation, I have set new boundaries for myself as well. My main priority is ensuring my family, my husband, and our kids feel happy and safe in our home so that we make it a place where their emotional well-being comes first.
Also, take care of your mental health. Things that have helped me are journaling, reading, and support groups, and by support groups, I mean all my friends, lol, and this blog. It feels good to be able to write and say our story. Will it always be about this topic? Probably not, but the more I write, the more I have people reaching out, telling their stories and how my writing resonated with them, so let’s see where this journey takes us.
Thank you all for reading this post. I know it’s a little longer than you are used to. There was a lot to unpack. For those who are into journaling, I have a few journals you might like in my shop, and for all the moms, I have created a digital mom planner. My gift to you for following me on this journey, download it here!
Leave a Reply