Besties, being a bonus mom can be incredibly challenging, but here is why!
Embracing the Highs of Being a Bonus Mom
I’ll start off by saying that being a bonus mom isn’t hard because of my bonus child. He’s about to turn 11, and I’ve been in his life since he was 2. He’s smart, funny, and witty, and we have an amazing relationship that I will always cherish. In our home, he’s my child, just as much as my son. The tough parts come from dealing with things outside my control.
It’s not always an easy ride. Many external factors come into play when dealing with the other parent, handling society’s perception of blended families, and balancing between honoring boundaries and stepping up in your role. It feels like you’re on a tightrope, juggling love, respect, and responsibility.
But let me tell you, despite these roadblocks, the journey is so worth it. The smiles from your bonus child, those precious shared moments, and the growth you both experience make every challenge worthwhile. Being a bonus mom isn’t just about adding another parental figure to the mix. It’s about opening your heart to an extra source of joy, love, and fulfillment. It’s about embracing the many highs alongside the lows here and there and cherishing the unique bond you get to share.
The Solo Journey of a Bonus Mom
However, being a bonus mom sometimes feels like a solo journey. None of my friends are bonus moms, and can’t really relate. But after starting this blog and my Instagram page, it turns out there are many other women who are experiencing many of the same things. We are in relationships with great men who happen to have high-conflict, narcissistic exes. Most of us had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
Even if your firsthand experience with the ex is not terrible per se, at least in my experience, it hasn’t been. She has always been cordial with me. Some would even venture to use the word ‘nice’ as to how we communicate. I have always reciprocated the same energy. There is no need to make an already tense situation worse. However, the same can’t be said for how the communication goes with my husband. And if you are anything like me, you already know how aggravating that can be and how much you wish you could intervene.
Dealing with High-Conflict Situations
Let me share a little Chisme with you. She is so high conflict; my husband did not verbally speak to her for over 5 years. Something that seemed to irk her. They communicated only through a family chat app, which I recommend for anyone dealing with high-conflict exes. It’s not free, but my husband says it’s worth every penny and happily pays it yearly. They communicate a bit more now (verbally), but not much. He prefers the email communication best! Does it help prevent misunderstandings and unnecessary back-and-forth? Not really. However, at least this way, you get to choose how much you are willing to participate, and it’s all in writing! they can’t come back later with nonsense because it is all in black and white.
Anyway, I veered off a bit! What makes it difficult is hearing so many things that you wish you could change. Knowing the times we have been bad-mouthed and wishing we could retaliate. But choosing to stay quiet because it’s the right response. Having to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to the constant pettiness.
Keeping Your Cool When You Really Want to Lose Your Shit
Always giving encouraging words when what you really wish you could do is say what you know and let them know the truth about that parent. But you don’t because you know it’s not right. So instead, when your bonus child tells you how his mom always says you don’t cook, you smile and say things like, “It’s okay that your mom is concerned about how much takeout we eat or that we go to restaurants, more than she is accustomed to. She wants to make sure you are eating healthy.” When what you really want to say is, “I work, I go to school, and I run a few side businesses. I have a family that also depends on me. I do not always have time to cook. Your mom should concern herself with what happens in her household and worry a little less about what I am doing in mine.” But again, you just take that in and woosah (if you watched Bad Boys, you know what I am talking about) to get past it.
There are numerous instances like this. But I do not retaliate. I make it a point not to bad-mouth her. People who bad-mouth the father/mother do not realize that the child is half of each parent. Talking bad about them, whether directly to the child or within earshot, is devastating to them. They unconditionally love their parent, and hearing anything negative about them DOES affect them. Also, by doing so, you are essentially criticizing half of them because they also came from that parent. I, for one, do not want to participate in doing that kind of damage or hurting him in that way.
The Takeaway
So, do I wish I could be brutally honest sometimes? Yes, of course, every time I hear some stupid shit. But will I ever? NO. Because regardless of what she does, what she says, or how we feel about her, he is half of her, and she is his mom. It is not my place to do that.
I’ll leave you with this tip: There is also no need to stoop to their level. Kids will always know in the end. They will look back and realize who was the problem. Who was always talking about who, and they will see the parent and situation for what it really is.
So, when you feel like lashing out in defense of yourself and your spouse, know that it’s not necessary. Live your best, happiest life. Drink your coffee and think about all the amazing things happening to you. While they worry about you. You worry about what restaurant you will go to next because, in reality, you also don’t even like to cook, and that’s okay! We all will mom differently. There is no cookie-cutter way of doing things, and no one should make you feel guilty or ashamed for it!
If you missed my last blog posts, check them out here! Also, exciting news: the new blog shop is open. One of the things that has helped me navigate all this chaos has been journaling and reading. I have added a few cute items. If you are into that (trust me, it helps!), you can check them out at the shop! Also, Subscribe, like, and comment. I would love to hear your thoughts and your stories. Whether you are a bonus mom, mom, or both, we are all going through something at some point or another!
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